Confessions from a Nudist Colony (Confessions, Book 17) by Timothy Lea

Author:Timothy Lea [Timothy Lea]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2013-04-23T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER FIVE

When I wake up the next morning I feel like my Gran’s crab apple jelly – as if I have been strained through a sheet of muslin. I don’t know what Patty was trying to get out of her system but she got more out of mine than I would have thought possible. When I open my mince pies it is as if the lids have been stuck together with fish glue and the lower part of my body is no more than a tender memory. I am lying on the floor with a blanket over me; the grey light coming through the window suggests that it is morning. I turn my head to left and right but there is no sign of Patty. I peer over my exposed toes and there she is, sitting by the stove breast-feeding Elgin. The little bleeder is sucking greedily and I can’t help feeling embarrassed. I mean, me sucking a bird’s titties is all right, but a baby, well, it’s not quite nice, somehow.

‘Morning,’ she says cheerfully. ‘I’m just giving Elgin his breakfast. Do you fancy some?’ She reads my expression and sticks her tongue out at me. ‘I mean, a cup of tea!’

‘Great,’ I say. ‘What time is it?’

‘Oh, about seven, I think.’ She leans forward, still cradling the baby and glances towards the clock on one of the shelves. ‘Oh my God!’ She sees something out of the window that turns her face whiter than the milk in a baby’s bottle.

‘What is it?’ I am rising like a rocket even before she has the chance to answer.

‘It’s Malcolm!’ I press my mug to a corner of the window and peer round the curtain. He doesn’t look like a Malcolm to me. More like a Mangler. His fists are thrust deep into the pockets of his overcoat and he is picking his way towards the caravan through a sea of mud. It must have rained again during the night. He has a black eye, a mean expression and the last time I saw a pair of shoulders like that they were being worn by a gorilla. He is about fifty yards away and in my present condition that is about five miles and fifty yards too near.

‘Get out!’ shrills Patty helpfully. ‘He’ll kill me.’ Yeah, I think to myself. He’ll probably beat you to death with my corpse. I look around for somewhere to hide but there is nowhere. ‘Get out the back!’ squeals Patty.

The door points away from the entrance to the site and she puts down the baby and wrenches it open so fast that it nearly says goodbye to the hinges. I reach out for my pants but she grabs my arm and hauls me to the entrance.

‘There’s no time to waste!’

I don’t get around to arguing the toss with her because she shoves me down the steps and shuts the door in my face. Nice, isn’t it? So much for romance. When the old man comes up the garden path, you are not the only thing that goes out of the window.

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